• Marriage Issues

    From Daryl Stout@1:19/33 to All on Thursday, June 18, 2020 23:12:00
    John and Jean, a married couple desperately wanted children but
    could not have any. They had been married for several years,
    and one night about midnight they knocked on their pastor's
    door.

    The pastor came to the door, still about half asleep, and they
    told him, "Pastor we have been praying, and just feel that if
    you will anoint us with oil, and pray over us, God will give
    us a baby."

    The pastor, being a man of faith thought that was a good idea,
    so he called to his wife and said, "Honey, bring the anointing
    oil, and let's pray for this couple."

    After a few minutes, she came out and said, "I couldn't find
    the anointing oil, but I found this 3 in 1 oil." He decided
    that he would use it, and God would honor their prayer. So,
    he did, and the couple went home.

    About 9 months later, he got a call to come to the hospital,
    that the couple was going to have a baby, so he went. He arrived,
    and the husband was pacing the floor. He said, "Pastor, have you
    heard we are going to have triplets!"

    The pastor said, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that the 3 in 1 oil
    would have that effect."

    The new father said, "It's fine pastor, we are praising God that
    you didn't use WD-40."

    [at least it wasn't something from "The Land of 10,000 Lakes" <G>]

    ***

    Tom and Grace were attending a Marriage Seminar, dealing with
    communication. They had been married for almost 50 years, and the
    instructor wanted to use them as an example of communications, and understanding each other based on their lengthy marriage.

    As Tom and his wife Grace listened, the instructor told everyone,
    "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes
    and dislikes."

    He turned to the Tom and asked, "Can you name your wife's favorite
    flower?"

    Tom leaned over and lovingly touched his wife's arm gently and
    whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"

    ... Put The Cat Out?? I didn't know it was on fire!!
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  • From Charles Stephenson@1:226/16 to Daryl Stout on Saturday, June 20, 2020 07:34:00
    On Jun 19th 2:06 am Daryl Stout said...
    John and Jean, a married couple desperately wanted children but could not have any. They had been married for several years, and one night about midnight they knocked on their pastor's door.


    VERY funny! Made me chuckle to myself! :)



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  • From Don Lowery@1:340/1000 to Daryl Stout on Saturday, June 20, 2020 11:45:45
    After a few minutes, she came out and said, "I couldn't find
    the anointing oil, but I found this 3 in 1 oil." He decided
    that he would use it, and God would honor their prayer. So,
    he did, and the couple went home.
    About 9 months later, he got a call to come to the hospital,
    that the couple was going to have a baby, so he went. He arrived,

    Wonder what would've happened it the priest had used Marvel's Mystery Oil???;)

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  • From Jimmy Anderson@1:116/17 to Daryl Stout on Saturday, June 20, 2020 12:09:00
    Daryl Stout wrote to All <=-


    Oh man! Those are great! I'll be telling those!!!





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  • From Daryl Stout@1:19/33 to Charles Stephenson on Sunday, June 21, 2020 08:04:00
    Charles,

    On Jun 19th 2:06 am Daryl Stout said...
    John and Jean, a married couple desperately wanted children but could
    not have any. They had been married for several years, and one night
    about midnight they knocked on their pastor's door.

    VERY funny! Made me chuckle to myself! :)

    I let out a scream when I got to the punchline. <G>

    Daryl

    ... I was told "Have emergency # on vacation". I wrote "911".
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  • From Daryl Stout@1:19/33 to Don Lowery on Sunday, June 21, 2020 08:05:00
    Don,

    Wonder what would've happened it the priest had used Marvel's Mystery Oil???;)

    Well, it's either a boy or a girl...we know that for sure. As for
    anything else, all bets are off. <G>

    Daryl

    ... Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
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  • From Daryl Stout@1:19/33 to Jimmy Anderson on Sunday, June 21, 2020 08:06:00
    Jimmy,

    Oh man! Those are great! I'll be telling those!!!

    The nice part is that they're CLEAN, and you don't see the
    punchline coming.

    ... There are many Internet scams. Send me $20 to learn how!

    Do you take wooden nickels?? <G>

    Daryl


    ... My dyslexic friend said I should act my age, not my Q.I.
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  • From Don Lowery@1:340/1000 to Daryl Stout on Tuesday, June 23, 2020 00:37:57
    Wonder what would've happened it the priest had used Marvel's Mystery Oil???;)
    Well, it's either a boy or a girl...we know that for sure. As for anything else, all bets are off. <G>

    On the other hand...could be half male...half female. Beautiful on the female half & looks just like me on the male half. ;D

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  • From Daryl Stout@1:19/33 to Don Lowery on Wednesday, June 24, 2020 12:26:00
    Don,

    Well, it's either a boy or a girl...we know that for sure. As for anything else, all bets are off. <G>

    On the other hand...could be half male...half female. Beautiful on the female half & looks just like me on the male half. ;D

    Or one gender on the front, and the other on the back. <G>

    Daryl

    ... Hindsight being 20/20 does not mean looking at butts!!
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  • From Don Lowery@1:340/1000 to Daryl Stout on Friday, June 26, 2020 09:35:08
    On the other hand...could be half male...half female. Beautiful on th female half & looks just like me on the male half. ;D
    Or one gender on the front, and the other on the back. <G>

    Started thinking about that...but we have that already. ;)

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  • From Daryl Stout@1:19/33 to Don Lowery on Saturday, June 27, 2020 15:10:00
    Don,

    On the other hand...could be half male...half female. Beautiful on th female half & looks just like me on the male half. ;D
    Or one gender on the front, and the other on the back. <G>

    Started thinking about that...but we have that already. ;)

    In short, everyone's just a bunch of @$$h01e$. Besides, that's what
    the colonoscopy doctors see every day. <G>

    Daryl

    ... "AEIOUEIAUO" - sorry, I have uncontrolled vowel movements
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  • From Don Lowery@1:340/1000 to Daryl Stout on Sunday, June 28, 2020 08:39:02
    Or one gender on the front, and the other on the back. <G>
    Started thinking about that...but we have that already. ;)
    In short, everyone's just a bunch of @$$h01e$. Besides, that's what
    the colonoscopy doctors see every day. <G>

    ;D

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  • From Daryl Stout@1:19/33 to Don Lowery on Monday, June 29, 2020 22:03:00
    Don,

    In short, everyone's just a bunch of @$$h01e$. Besides, that's what
    the colonoscopy doctors see every day. <G>

    ;D

    In his skit on his colonoscopy, Jeff Foxworthy is getting dressed
    afterwards, thinking he can go home. The nurse comes in and asks
    "Where do you think you're going??". He said "I guess I'm going home".
    She says "Guess again". He asks "What do you mean??".

    She basically tells him that they had to put air into the colon
    to inflate it, and "you have to give it back before you go home"...
    and adds "I have to verify that you do it". At which point, he notices
    she has a pen and a clipboard.

    He growls "I went to career day in high school. Nobody told me that
    you could get paid good money for rating farts on a clipboard. I have
    friends who do that all the time for free!!". He continues with "She
    wants me to do this, and I need to do this...but, I was raised in the
    South, and my Momma told me NEVER to do that in front of a woman,
    especially in front of a woman you don't know"...and laments "I locked
    up".

    So, she has him get down on all fours on the bed, and he said as
    soon as he did that, he knew it'd work. He thought about his wife's
    LaMaz classes and how she did "the big push"...adding "What came out
    of me, was so loud, and so long, that Fred Flintstone clocked out of
    work!!".

    He asked the nurse "May I go home now??" -- she replied "Please do". <G>

    Daryl

    ... A soldier surviving mustard gas is a seasoned veteran.
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  • From Don Lowery@1:340/1000 to Daryl Stout on Tuesday, June 30, 2020 00:30:19
    She basically tells him that they had to put air into the colon
    to inflate it, and "you have to give it back before you go home"...
    and adds "I have to verify that you do it". At which point, he notices
    she has a pen and a clipboard.
    LaMaz classes and how she did "the big push"...adding "What came out
    of me, was so loud, and so long, that Fred Flintstone clocked out of work!!".

    I know I am still a kid when it comes to something like this. The Klumps sitting around the dinner table trying to outdo each other had me laughing so hard that I couldn't keep my eyes open.

    Then again...talking about being a gentleman...used to break the smell
    barrier & hold the sheets over her head. More than once...I was proven wrong that a foot will fit in that area. ;D

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  • From Daryl Stout@1:19/33 to Don Lowery on Wednesday, July 01, 2020 21:03:00
    Don,

    LaMaz classes and how she did "the big push"...adding "What came out
    of me, was so loud, and so long, that Fred Flintstone clocked out of work!!".

    I know I am still a kid when it comes to something like this. The
    Klumps sitting around the dinner table trying to outdo each other had
    me laughing so hard that I couldn't keep my eyes open.

    Sort of like the joke where the old man decides to play "fart football"
    in bed...scoring "touchdowns and field goals" (I guess on the length and
    stench of it).

    Well, just before "halftime", he [pooped] the bed, and his wife said "Personal Foul. Targeting. That's An Ejection". <G>

    Then again...talking about being a gentleman...used to break the smell barrier & hold the sheets over her head. More than once...I was proven wrong that a foot will fit in that area. ;D

    While everyone farts (some as little as 15 times a day, to as much as
    20 times an hour (I wonder how much taxpayer money went to that study??)),
    my late wife always "excused herself" before and afterwards. One time,
    we were in bed, and she said "What the...??"...and ripped one out. A
    former area Sysop said that RIP wasn't RIP Graphics (originally done by TeleGraphix, which is long since shut down)...but RIP was what you did
    to a fart.

    Anyway, when the stench reached our nostrils, it was like "Whoof!!"
    (similar to the "silent but deadly" (SBD) methane bombs that our
    dachshund would drop), and I said "That was a full grown adult YIPE,
    and it wasn't on disability!!"...we both were laughing like mad.

    The stench (like rotten eggs/methane/sulphur) is an indication that
    the bacteria in your gut are doing their job to digest the food...but
    I saw a tagline that noted "Farts are ghosts of things we ate". After
    a colonoscopy, "you join everyone else in the wind section". :P

    Another time, my late wife and I were otherwise "intimately occupied"
    on our Futon, and the dachshund was in his bed next to it. All of a
    sudden, this horrid stench permeated our nostrils...the dog had dropped
    an SBD bomb. I'm practically gagging, and my wife was laughing like mad...saying "You know he's down there, saying 'Hee Hee Hee!! Ignore
    my @$$, will you??!!" <G>. Well, any lovemaking went out the window,
    and I had to get dressed, and take the dog out for a walk. But, it
    reminds me of the meme, where "the dog takes a 90 minute walk, then
    poops on the kitchen floor". :P

    Daryl

    ... Diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans.
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  • From Don Lowery@1:340/1000 to Daryl Stout on Thursday, July 02, 2020 13:16:12
    Sort of like the joke where the old man decides to play "fart football" in bed...scoring "touchdowns and field goals" (I guess on the length and stench of it).
    Well, just before "halftime", he [pooped] the bed, and his wife said "Personal Foul. Targeting. That's An Ejection". <G>

    I know I still haven't grown up when I watch the 2nd Klumps movie & die laughing at the contest around dining room table.

    Another time, my late wife and I were otherwise "intimately occupied"
    on our Futon, and the dachshund was in his bed next to it. All of a sudden, this horrid stench permeated our nostrils...the dog had dropped
    an SBD bomb. I'm practically gagging, and my wife was laughing like

    Ah...so you couldn't blame the dog this time. Too bad...since it sounds like
    he knew it & would get you guys like this.

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