• Assorted Humor

    From Daryl Stout@1:19/33 to All on Monday, July 13, 2020 00:07:49
    My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy
    say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord,
    why on Earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"


    A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary
    for her recently deceased husband is written. The obituary editor
    informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She
    pauses, reflects and then says, "Well then, let it read 'Fred Brown
    Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a 7
    word minimum for all obituaries. Only a little flustered, she thinks
    thing over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Fred
    Brown died: 1983 Pick-up for sale.'"


    A mother wishing to encourage her young son's progress at the piano
    bought tickets to a Paderewski performance. When the evening arrived,
    they found their seats near the front of the concert hall and eyed the
    majestic Steinway waiting on stage. Soon the mother found a friend to
    talk to, and the boy slipped away. At eight o'clock, the lights in the auditorium began to dim, the spotlights came on, and only then did they
    notice the boy, ...up on the bench, innocently picking out "Twinkle,
    Twinkle, Little Star".

    His mother gasped, ....but before she could retrieve her son,
    the master appeared on the stage and quickly moved to the keyboard. He whispered to the boy: "Don't quit--keep playing." Leaning over,
    Paderewski reached down with his left hand and began filling in the bass
    part. Soon his right arm reached around the other side, improvised a
    delightful obligato. Together, the old master and the young novice held
    the crowd mesmerized.


    A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a
    beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he
    saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the young businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
    Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man
    said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"


    In 1959, a Universal Pictures executive dismissed Clint Eastwood and
    Burt Reynolds at the same time meeting with the following statements.
    To Burt Reynolds: "You have no talent." To Clint Eastwood: "You have a
    chip on your tooth, your Adam's apple sticks out too far and you talk
    too slow."


    A note from a college student, with reply:

    Dear Dad,

    $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
    hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if
    you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear
    from you.

    Your $on.

    Dear Son,

    I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
    even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge
    is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.



    A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and
    her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

    "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

    "No, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"


    A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber
    arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for
    a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed,
    "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."
    The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I
    when I was a doctor."


    There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim Alley's
    Grocery Store. Manager Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but
    the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load,
    or two pickles shy of a barrel.

    To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and
    a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.

    One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Manager Tim got him off to one
    side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you
    don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the
    nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

    Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"


    The local bar was so sure that its bartender had the strongest hands
    around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would
    squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the
    lemon to a challenger. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice
    out would win the money.

    Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.)
    but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the
    bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny
    squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

    After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a
    lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the
    rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total
    silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops
    fell into the glass.

    As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the
    little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

    The man replied, "I work for the IRS."


    Two gorgeous blondes were engaged in a conversation as they entered an elevator in a large office building. One of them said loudly,
    "Of course my ultimate fantasy has always been to have two men at

    There was complete silence as every passenger in the elevator slowly
    turned to look at her. She then laughed and continued, "One to do the
    cooking, and the other would do the cleaning."


    Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of
    the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to
    last month?"

    "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest
    psychological techiniques...visulization...association...it made
    a huge difference for me."

    "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

    Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.

    Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call
    that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

    "You mean a rose?"

    "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name
    of that clinic?"
    --- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
    * Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - tbolt.synchro.net (1:19/33)